Convalecing Heart By Christine Swiderski
Upon my husbands passing I declared myself off men. I loved Greg but men can be work. I get that some men say that about women. I also understand at times we speak a different language. Men have their needs was something Greg said nearly every day. I would never turn him away. Even after 10 years of marriage I still found him attractive. Never dull in bed nor hapless in his way of foreplay. My thoughts are dull and scattered since the funeral. I never expected to be a widow at the ripe old age of 40. Grieving takes many forms. I know this because I counsel others on grieving. It is different when it is you who is grieving.
It has been 3 months now since the funeral. My friends are being supportive. Inviting me over regularly, or making lunch dates. Busy does not equate to pulling yourself out of the doldrums of grieving. Every person goes through it at their own pace and in their own time. I know better than to tell myself to get over it. I am passed the anger of him dying in a car accident. I no longer have the recurring dream of the police officer at my door. I am also passed berating myself for all the things I shouldn't have said or done. Also, all those things I should have said and done. I am at the point where I no longer want to be the third wheel, no longer want to go to lunch with a friend and pretend there is no elephant in the room. I certainly do not want to dwell nor discuss every nook and cranny of the incident and how I feel. I want to move on. My feet are deep in the mire of 'where do I go from here'
I have also come to the conclusion that not only do men have their needs women do as well. I have never been a one-night stand type person. I do want companionship but not a relationship. I am sure there are men out there who would love that sort of rendezvous. I told my friend Shelly all this. She said next get together I will have a pick of the corral. She will invite 2 or 3 of Carl's friends to the house. Her hook, they would be helping Carl put down some patio stones I could come help make the potato salad to feed the workers. I agreed to do so. If nothing else seeing men in nothing more than shorts would be fun.
The day came, it was warm and sunny the guys were making quick headway placing the patio stones. I fired up the grill to get the burgers going. Cracking open a cold beer I asked the guys if any of them wanted a cold one. Mark said yes, as did Joe, Mike and Carl. I looked at Joe as he approached. His stride was long and smooth. He reached for the 4 beers to take to his compadres, checked out his hands and his feet. I wanted to touch all bases of the latest measuring tool for the tool.
After we had the burgers and sides, Mark and Mike left only Joe stayed. Which left me realizing I was not the one making the choice. Joe followed me home we sat on the deck had another beer before we stripped down in the moonlight to enjoy each other on the deck. Much to my dismay all the measuring tools were wrong. He was barely bite-sized. Just enough to tickle and not enough to finish the deed for me just him.
I made the decision to wait for the next rendezvous for when I can be more certain of a final applause. Now this left me with another grievance. Greg was right 'Your lucky to have me'
I sure was, now I am spoiled.