On Impulse By Christine Swiderski

On Impulse

 

After I had my last bypass I considered many scenarios. How and when I would die. My friends stood by me, even went so far as to help me with my rehabilitation. My wife predeceased me by two years. Her funeral was perfect. She planned it. All who showed up were astonished at all the little touches she thought of. Lynn had ordered flowers to be displayed. Not the normal funeral arrangements. She had each one made specifically for her 2 best friends. Making sure their favorite flowers were in the arrangements.

She even figured me into the equation. She placed in a cooler my favorite beer and cold chicken, Cole slaw, and chips. Her note to me said "Party on Garth." It made me laugh.

I do not know if it is because of my near death experience or my insecure loneliness. I have decided to pre-arrange and plan my funeral.

One Saturday morning Roth Funeral home was pack full of friends and family. Each in their turn went by the casket to give their respects. Lou noticed his name on a keg of beer. He laughed when he saw the note attached "Drink up! You can't take it with you."

Steve peered into a cooler with his name on it, the dry ice lifted an imitation fog. He nodded his head and cried when he read the note, which said:"You are the best damn cook in town."

I really did not expect the tears from such a tough guy. No one knew that I actually wanted to be cremated. Viewing your remains and the procession passing by your coffin via video seems tastelessly naughty. The shame of it is, this odd shiver went through me. I got the sense I was dealing with something strangely eerie.

Claudia is Lynn's younger sister. She came last. Stood over the coffin. She leaned in to get a closer look. She then turned to the onlookers and said. "This is a Mannequin. Where are you, Ted?"

I had the Sinulaid flexible mannequin made in my image. They guaranteed life like features. I turned to leave the room before anyone discovered me. As I stepped out into the parking lot the rain started to come down in buckets. The drops were so fierce they stung my skin. The crack of the thunder shook the ground and made the hairs on my body stand on end. I heard a familiar voice behind me. Lynn was coming out of the same door I just exited. She reached me just as the next bolt hit.

CATASTROPHE AT FAKE FUNERAL

By Christine Swiderski

Ted Clemens staged his own funeral. As he was exiting the premises his sister-in-law reached out to him wanting to give him a piece of her mind. What she ended up giving him is a conduit. She was standing in water when the lightning hit. Ted Clemens will be cremated. His remains will be spread over his wife’s grave. Lynn Anderson will be laid out on Wednesday through Friday her remains will be laid to rest next to her sister, Lynn Clemens in the family plot.